Name: JY
Age: 17 years old
Date of Birth: February27
Horoscope Sign: Pisces
I realised I've been acting quite fake since I came here. Fake smiles, pretend to be friendly to people when I really don't feel like and all. Back in PL, I could really be myself and talk to my friends about certain things, regardless of how weird or 'sua ku' I might sound.
But over here? No, I can't talk so much like I used to because people judge. And they judge so much more here. Back then, if you said something wrong, people would just laugh it off or tease you about it. Here, reactions could be quite different. Some will say you're weird, in a bad way, others will laugh at you or sneer, I really don't know how to describe. And people really can't tell the difference between sarcasm, some jokes and the real mean stuff.
Tuesday, 15 May, 2012
2.4km 15.55 min.
I basically just broke my own record an killed myself.
Hooray.
Haha.
I'm mad.
Ohwells.
Monday, 14 May, 2012
I realised that since I enterred this new phase in life, I've been able to mask my emotions even better. I was extremely angry this afternoon and I felt that I hid it well, since no one noticed. This is a post for me to rant so here goes.
There's this really loud guy in class. We happen to be in the same group for a project. At first, he said that he could do it all by himself. But I refused as this was a group project. So we delegated the work. I did my part and so did another member. We sent him our research, as well as to the member who doesn't do a single freaking thing. He was supposed to do the slides and then one day, he said he didn't know how to do them. That's fine, so I helped him out a bit and did my part and he did the rest. So we had to present and today, he told me to split the presentation. So I said I would do the part of the slides I did and he would do another major part and the last major part could be
Done by the useless member. The other girl can explain the diagrams and do part of my part. Then he said I was selfish because all i wanted to do was my part. I mean, c'mon, I don't understand a freaking thing about your slides because they contain so little information. And I did so much already. Turns out he wanted the girl to do the major part and the other guy to do the smaller part. I was freaking pissed. What the hell. You asked me to delegate the work and you're not happy with the arrangement so you called me nasty stuff. I did so much already. Why didn't you just delegate then, or ask the others to do more?! Ahshislsownianskgnagwgwgahsjsiajbskam.
I seriously hate the environment here. Everyone is mean, extremely gossipy(worse than we were), insensitive and the worse thing is, they judge you. They judge you for everything you do. Every single little freaking thing you do. I was once said to be 'judging' somebody when all I did was stare into space in the person's direction... MLS
Thursday, 26 April, 2012
Somehow, the older I get, the less meaning I see in life. In other words, I used to look forward to life everyday. I was happy, I was cheerful and I hardly saw any need to complain or to cry. Then I grew older. I became more unhappy, I smiled less, I complained more and I cried more. Now, complaning and crying seems like something that occurs nearly everyday whilst smiling and meaning it? I hardly smile and mean it any more. I can't remember the last time I did that. I can't remember the last time I replaced my fake smile with a genuine one. Per haps it was just before JC started. I don't know...
Tuesday, 17 April, 2012
Last year, this time, I was without a care in the world. Almost. CCA was smooth, I had all time on my hands, I was getting ready to step down and all I had to worry about was the approaching 'monster' at the end of the year. Yet now, I feel like I'm constantly battling this other 'monster' who's constanty sending it's minions at me. I feel so drained out and tired.
Every photo tells a different story
9:37 PMI can't bring myself to move on, not when there are so many reminders in school. Everywhere I go, I see someone who resembles one of my friends in PL. It's not just one. It's as thought the entire collage is floodes with them. Okay, I'm exaggerating. But every time I see this people, I see a photo in the back of my mind. This triggers a memory and I begin to miss the person and all my friends even more. Yet people keep telling me to make friends with others and enjoy life here. But I can't. I can't do that when I'm constantly reminded of my old friends amd what good times we have. I can't do that when I know that the time I spend with my new friends will never be as awesome as the times I spent with my old friends.
Every picture tells a different story. And I know that my mental picture of this place will never be as beautiful as that of PL. One thing for sure, I love PL and I don't think I can truly call any other school 'MY school'.
Sunday, 15 April, 2012
It's so embarrassing. Why make a scene in public?! Wait awhile cannot meh? Share seats with people also cannot. Sigh. It has happenes TWICE this weekend. They just had to make a scene
Monday, 9 April, 2012
Many times, I really hate the fact that I was born this way - the one who gets better grades in the family. I really wish that I did worse. Perhaps then, I won't suffer so much because I would have been allowed to take what was the easier path to me. I know that going to poly won't be much easier than JC if I want good results but at least, I would have more time for leisure. How else do poly people find time to work AND study?
Then just now, I remembered that during O levels and before collecting results, I decided that God can help me decide where to go. I was placing everything in God's hands. If I were to get a RAW of 12 and above, I would go through the poly stream. Yet, I actually scored a 10. So that placed me here, in a JC.
I actually regretted getting into this JC I'm in now. I remember waking up the morning the posting results came out and when I saw my allocated choice, I cursed. Now, looking back as I think of this issue, I actually remember praying about it. I would place my choices according to what my aunt and I discussed and God would do the rest. Back then, I didn't care if I actually got my first or second choice. But after keying it in, I somewhat regretted. But I still prayed that God could decide for me and He placed me in this place, my first choice. Perhaps I am meant to be here. Well, it's too early to tell so we'll see.
The first few weeks of school were horrible for me. I had never felt so negatively about school before. I still dislike school. But now, as I think about it, I realised that perhaps this is the 'training' God wanted to put me through. To prepare me for what he has in store for me, to lead me to the path he wants me to take. As a Christian, I'm still growing spiritually. I'm still not going to church, but I have been doing quiet time more often than before. And quiet time has helped me.
Now, despite how hard the challenges ahead are and will be, I know that this is what God wants me to undergo. I'll try my best and place the rest in His hands. Afterall, these dark times are part and parcel of the journey that will lead me to the light.
Sunday, 1 April, 2012
MY BELOVED GRANDMA'S BDAY and Just another April Fools'
8:28 PMThat's a pretty long title there. I'm suppose to be completing my Econs hw but i hate econs and dun feel like doing it. Anyway, I was quite surprised to actually receive a prank today. I knew it was April Fools but I didn't expect to be pranked. Ms Koh LY happily smsed me and I called the number, only to be directed to IMH. I called the number, wondering why she so urgently asked me to contact her. When I heard the "Welcome to IMH..." message, it struck me that today was April Fools and I just got pranked. I guess IMH's getting lots of such calls today...
Today's my grandma's birthday and we celebrated it yesterday by going to Todai Buffet Restaurant amd Marina Bay Sands. As we were walking to get our car, i suddenly realised that it was Earth Hour, which was about to end. So I snapped some pics. :) I love my grandma to bits. Happy Birthday, Ah Ma. I love you. :)
Sunday, 25 March, 2012
I used to talk too much. Now, I am known as the girl who talks too
little.
9:16 PMI'm not willing to share as much on my life as I used to with my friends to those in my current class. Perhaps I'm just quiet now. Or perhaps, I don't want them to know so much about me because these information are shared with those I truly consider my good friends/close friends etc. My current classmates think I'm too quiet. But I don't care. What's important now is for me to focus on my studies, to hang on to the threads of old friendships and to spend more time with my family. I'm not sure if I have space for new friends. Perhaps I'm just anti-social. But I like it this way. It makes me feel happier and more free than making new friends. :)
Tuesday, 20 March, 2012
面具
5:39 PM我差不多每一天都在担心，每天都无法好好过日子。我已经没有以前那么快乐、那么自在了。我多希望能找回那些日子。但那已经是过去，我再也无法回头了。我不能再向父母倾诉，因为那只会让他们更加担心我。我只能每天戴上面具，自己面对这残酷的世界。
Life is becoming so hectic. Geog test onthurs and econs test next week. An on top of that, we have to complete the first draft of our PW PI by next week. I'm hoping to pass my two tests, seeing that I alr failed math and physics... But I'm not so sure if that's possible anymore. Econs is quite heavy in content and it's an essay test! I can't write 4 pages in 45 mins! Sigh. Life's so tough nowadays. I want an out.
Sunday, 18 March, 2012
Urgh
7:08 PMI hate being born in Asia. I don't see people from America etc struggling like we do in our education. Look at Koreans, us, and perhaps even HK and other Asian countries. We're under so much stress to do well in our stdies through hard work and all. Do you see Americans doing that? Not really, all I've heard about our American couterparts are party, play and hardly study. Except, of course, when their SATs or major exams are near. They have an easier school life. Even my China scholar friend says that. They have a relaxing school life but it gets tough when they reach university level. But you know what angers me? The fact that we have to constantly work extra hard just to enter university and yet the extra things we learn are only covered in the first few weeks/months of university. Which means that we won't have an edge for working hard for years. Because all in all, we'll learn the same things once we reach uni level. Life sucks. I don't see the point in striving for excellence.
Thursday, 8 March, 2012
I'm holding on
7:59 PMto even the tiniest strand of hope. Hope that will on day reunite us, hope that will result in things never changing.
I hate this
7:55 PMI'm so glad it's almost the march holidays. It's only been a few weeks and I'm already so tired and dreading school this much. I can't imagine the fear, the dread, all the other negative feelings I'll have when school starts again. I have so many problems and I don't feel like talking about it. Thank God tomorrow's friday. Only God can whisk me away from this dreadful life/ dreadful thinking and keep me going.
Sunday, 26 February, 2012
It's tomorrow. Yet, for the first time in my life, I'm not looking forward to my birthday, all because I'm dreading school. I used to look forward to birthdays, especially in PL(sec) because I had my awesome friends around me to share my birthdays with. It's the times when we celebrate each other's birthdays by singing the song the PL way that I miss. It's actually being happy in school that I miss. There's so much that I miss. But now, all those happy times are gone.
Saturday, 25 February, 2012
It hurts
10:33 AMbecause the coming of my birthday only makes me miss PL and my friends even more. And it makes me dread school even more.
Friday, 17 February, 2012
I wish you were here...
10:25 PMThe whole 'I miss all my frieds alot' situation didn't really hit me hard until now. I realised how much I missed all my friends from PL. Sure, I have friends here but they're not the same. I don't behave the same way as I did with you guys. I feel less free to be myself when I'm with them. I really really really miss you guys. :'(
Friday, 10 February, 2012
I want to...
8:06 PMI want to escape. Yet I can't. But I know the harder it gets, the worse I'll feel. All the more I should work harder to get out of this place ASAP. Hopefully, I won't have to retain and this would just be two years. Only to me, this would be two very long and tiring years. I long so much to escape...
I hate it. I feel as though they've invaded into my private space, even though it's just a simple group.